What happens when you try to consume a 6,000-calorie bacon-cheese burger called the Triple Bypass? Pretty much what you’d expect.

Here’s hoping the “special sauce” on that thing is made with coumadin.

Reader Ciara Martin passed on this info about the Isle of Wight Animal Shelter, where 30 of the cast were recently diagnosed with feline herpes.

The disease will not spread to humans or other animals but is not curable in cats. Fourteen of the cats have been adopted, but another 16 need homes by Feb. 5 or they’ll be euthanized.

Here’s a story about the situation. You can contact the shelter by calling 757/365-6318.

At 5:29 p.m. tonight, I got a text message saying “We’re on our way home.”

My husband and I send messages like this one to each other most nights, though we tend to use the singular pronoun I. This time though, I didn’t recognize the number on my phone. So I responded:

“Um, who r u?”

Their response: “Um, I don’t know. Who r u? Do you have beer?”

So now I was really curious. Who the heck was this? It was from a 907 area code, so I looked that up on the internet. Turns out it’s from Alaska. So I’m thinking, whoever this is, if I’d known they were driving that far, I’d have bought better beer.

My response: “Ha! As a matter of fact I do! But ur 907 area code is a long way from my place!”

Their response: “I’m with your love! You know, brownish hair, voluptuous lips.”

Now I’m really intrigued. I suppose my love’s hair is brownish, but I wouldn’t call his lips particularly voluptuous though they are quite  nice. Then I realize this text-messager isn’t referring to my husband.

My response: “My beagle?”

Then, there’s five minutes of radio silence. Finally this:

“OMG! I’m soooo sorry! We’re visiting my daughter and her boyfriend in MD. We’re from Alaska. I thought you were my daughter’s boyfriend. Thanks for having such a great sense of humor! Happy Holidays (to you AND your beagle).”

My co-worker Laura Moyer writes a fabulous blog and column called The Red Pen about the sort of grammatical, word usage and spelling errors that make people like us want to climb a Texas bell tower and launch copies of Strunk and White’s “Elements of Style” at unsuspecting passersby.

As a lifelong copy editor, she’s much better at spotting this stuff than I am, but the glaring error I got in an email last week would’ve been hard for anyone to miss.

The subject line of the email announced “Virginia Senior Pot Laureate.” Naturally, I was curious because I wasn’t aware that Virginia bestowed such an agricultural honor. Turns out the press release was about Virginia’s “senior poet laureate,” a Warrenton woman who is to be commended for earning the title four times since 2005.

I can’t decide if the missing “e” was an oversight by the PR professional who sent it or a purposeful “mistake” designed to get me to read the email.

Great piece on one of my favorite humorists.

In the future, if your nickname is “Bang Bang,” try not to leave the backpack with your name on it in a crowded train station. Tends to raise alarm.

I noticed a few guys fixing up the brick wall around the City Cemetery along Washington Avenue today. A driver lost control of his SUV back in early October and plowed through it.

Maybe it’s just me, but I cannot for the life of me figure out how so many cars seem to run into that wall on such a regular basis. According to a story written in 2008 by former transportation reporter Kelly Hannon, the wall had been hit about 10 times over a 24-year period.

I can’t think of another local structure that’s been such a consistent magnet for bad drivers. And yes, I’m blaming the drivers, not the intersection. That T-intersection isn’t difficult to negotiate at the posted 25 mph nor is it hard to spot–you can see the blinking traffic light several blocks away.

Also that wall has been there for more than 150 years, so I feel like no driver should be surprised by its presence. That’s like running your car into the Washington Memorial because, oops, you didn’t realize someone had put it there.

I think the next moron who plows into that thing ought to get out there and lay the brick to fix it.

On Monday night, I was privileged enough to attend a rehearsal of The Spotsylvanians, an all-volunteer chorus made of singers from throughout the region. They were singing Christmas carols in preparation for their upcoming Candlelight Christmas Concert on Dec. 10 and 11.

In any case, at one point they were performing “Angels We Have Heard on High,” and they sang this lyric: “Gloooooooooooooria, in excelsis Deo.”

And I remembered singing that in chorus as a kid, wondering who the heck Gloria was and why “eggshells” were so important to her.

In any case, if you’d like to attend the free Candlelight Christmas Concert, it’s at 8 p.m. on Dec. 10 and 3 p.m. on Dec. 11, in the Spotsylvania Middle School auditorium, 8801 Courthouse Road.

The full chorus will also perform at 7 p.m. on Dec. 2 at The Village at Spotsylvania Towne Centre’s Concert of Light show.

Years ago, as a joke, several of us gave a mutual friend a Michael Bolton Christmas ornament for her tree. It had his photo on it, complete with his come-hither look, long, flowing tresses and receding hairline.

I think she still hangs it, albeit on the back of the tree.

Do you have a beloved—or not so beloved—tree ornament with a back story? If so, send a close-up photo of the ornament and a few words about it to egross@freelancestar.com or Edie Gross, 616 Amelia St., Fredericksburg, Va. 22401.

We are clearly a doomed species. Don’t believe me? Feast your eyes on this. If you dare.